Look at God
How often must I wake with this wretched feeling before I figure out—this isn’t a good life? My name is Levi Killough and at this point, I don’t think I’ll ever be free. My existence is a painfully destructive cycle. Drinking to wake up, stealing to have more drugs, smoking to come down—always running, chasing the right high. A better one, always a better one.
“Get your mind right,” they say, and I couldn’t agree more. Only our definitions are different. A nice crack buzz edged with a shard of meth to keep me going. Right and tight. Problem is, there’s never enough and I always end up here. I need to do something different.
Total Turmoil
Angry with myself and tired of insanities repetitive fall. Use, jail, rehab, repeat. Use, jail, rehab, repeat. Self-hatred and rage have turned me inside out. Screaming at myself, spinning around the town, stomping my feet, and pulling my hair—jail again.
Hate how I feel. I can tell my life is wasting away but my hope for different has been trampled by the same ol’ same ol’. Now and then, I rise above it all and see clearly what a mess I’ve made. I’m my own worst enemy.
Falling asleep on couches, and in cars—once I even woke up in a closet. Don’t like this life or these people either. The fury I feel sometimes gets the best of me and I take it out on others. I’ve beaten people and stabbed folks—even pushed one dude out of a moving car.
New Possibilities
Arrested again but this jail stay is different. Knowing I need to surrender to God my library book request reads: Please send me a book that helps me understand God.
Two days later when the book cart comes, Deep In the Heart of Texas is the book I’m handed. I read and read and read. Sometimes laughing, sometimes crying, but always relating to every incident. How can this chick know my heart?
Every chapter I read ends with a new way of looking at things. If she found the strength to get away from this crap, maybe I can too. I begin to spend my time communicating with God. Some conversations are angry and some are filled with regret. Whatever I think and feel I tell Him about—and every time I come He’s still there—just like she said He would be.
By the time I’m released, I have hope for something different. As she says in the book, I can’t be different without believing in the possibility of something different. Once home I look up ARadicalDifference.com and send Texas a message. Amazingly enough—she replies—the same day. After a few back-and-forth e-mails, she even calls me.
Different Days
Fast-forward three years to June 21, 2024. My entire life has been completely altered. It’s absolutely incredible. And tonight Texas will be sharing at the Salvation Army Cocaine Anonymous meeting; the Friday night meeting I now lead. I invited her to come and share her story.
I see the excitement in her eyes when we meet for dinner before the meeting. Yes, she took me to dinner first. I know she speaks all over the place and can tell the excitement she’s feeling isn’t about speaking tonight it’s about meeting me. That’s the kind of person she is. Amazing!
What a feeling. When someone you look up to, whose advice has transformed your life, is thrilled to meet you. And on top of that, you’re proud to be a person worth meeting. Oh, what a feeling.
By: Tom and Texas = T-n-T
Yay! What a huge compliment. Thank you so much. I will send books for the jail. Blessings to you for all your doing to help the incarcerated.
Such a wonderful testimony, so glad Texas wrote her book and is helping so many, God Bless you, so proud of the person you are
God’s grace is huge. And I’ve experienced it in a huge way. Love you.
Wow! Brought tears to my eyes! How amazing!
I got the best life ever. Thank you so much for leaving a comment.
That’s a strong testimony, Levi. So so many people are walking that same old tired walk that you were on. You were a creature of habit but those habits are DEAD. You are a child of the most high God created in His own image. You asked the age-old question ‘If they can change, why can’t I?’ You now have a plan, a blueprint, to follow. STAY in your meetings and attend your 12 step programs. Submit, repent and let your personal relationship grow and flourish! Be the child of God you were created to be. You won’t ever regret it.
Rob, you are such an encourager and I am so grateful to have you as such a faithful follower. Thanks for this comment.
This is so powerful and encouraging! I loved reading this! I am praising God for the victory he brings to those who want a radical difference!
Love you Texas!
Thanks so much. Especially for taking the time to leave a comment. That is an encouragement to me. I love you, Lynda.